Chapter 1
I was surprised to see one of the vans from my wife's lab in the driveway when I got home after work. Her car wasn't there, and I could only assume she had some reason to bring one of the vans home instead, not that she'd ever had to do that before.
Of course, after the fight last night, it was entirely possible she had wrecked her car driving angry.
When I entered the house, I called out, "Honey?"
Liana answered from the living room. "Good, you're home!"
"Why is your work van parked in the driveway?"
As I headed from the foyer to the living room, a little golden-brown puppy with big floppy ears trotted up to meet me.
"You got a dog?" I asked.
"Close," said my wife's voice, but it didn't sound like it was coming from the living room anymore. "Down here, Ken."
I looked down and noticed the dog's mouth matched up with the words Liana was speaking. "How the hell are you doing that? That's really weird."
"It's me, sweetheart," the dog said in her voice.
"No, seriously, how are you doing that?"
I patted the pup on the head and continued into the living room to look for the trick behind the joke. The dog padded along behind me.
"It's really me, Ken."
Jocasta Williams was sitting on the couch wearing one of the lab's logo t-shirts and a pair of khaki slacks.
"She's not lying, Ken," Jocasta said. "That's really her. There was an accident in the lab, and well, this happened. I had to drive her back home because, well, she can't."
“And she even made me travel in the back in a dog carrier. Can you imagine how humiliating that was?” The dog pushed its nose against the back of my leg. I looked down at it again. This time, Liana's voice said, "Hi, I hope you don't mind taking care of a dog for a while."
My vision blurred and my world turned black. I think I hit the floor, but I was too far gone to notice the impact. I regained consciousness while the dog was licking my cheeks.
"Wake up, Ken. Are you okay?"
"L... Li.... Liana?"
"In the flesh. And the fur."
"What happened to you?"
"It's like Jocasta said. There was an accident. Some chemicals that shouldn't mix got mixed and I was the last one to get out so I inhaled most of the gas and smoke it created. Then, a few minutes later, I started metamorphosing into this."
"You're a dog."
"Yes. Mostly."
"You're a talking dog."
"Stay with me, honey. I know this is a lot to take in."
Jocasta rose from the couch and handed me a thumb drive. "This should help. It's the footage of the accident caught on the CCTV. Watch this first."
I took the drive, said thanks, and then walked into the office. Liana trotted beside me, trying to keep up. She kept quiet, I guess giving me a few moments of quiet to try to wrap my head around all this.
I inserted the drive into my laptop and when the folder opened, I clicked the only file in it. Then I watched the whole thing, just the way Jocasta and Liana had explained it. After everyone was out safely, the vents kicked in and sucked all the gas and air out of the lab. After they went back in, it was only a few minutes before I saw my wife quickly transform into a furry quadruped with a long snout and a tail. She ran around the lap in a frenzy, screaming and crying for help, and then the video ended.
"Holy shit!" I cried out. "I mean, I still don't believe it. I see it, but I still can't believe it's real."
I calmed myself down and returned to the living room to join them. Jocasta was on the couch and Liana was sitting beside her panting.s
“Listen,” Jocasta said. “Are you going to be okay, or do you need me to stay? I was hoping to go back and see what I could do to help.”
“Well, it's not something I have to deal with every day, but I don't plan to pass out again if that's what you mean.”
“Kinda. Besides, Liana can pretty much take care of herself for the most part or she can at least let you know what she needs. I'm gonna leave the carrier with you in case you two need to go anywhere. It's not safe for her to be in a car without it as she is right now.”
“I'm right here,” she said, and my wife's voice coming out of the dog's mouth still freaked me the hell out. “Don't talk about me as if I'm not here.”
“Sorry. Natural reaction. Not used to a dog that can understand, much less carry a conversation.”
“I'm not a dog. I just look like one.”
“We're waiting on the lab work to see if that's true, boss.”
“As long as my mind is human, it's true.” Liana turned to me. “Right, Ken?”
I just nodded out of habit. I had no fucking clue what she was anymore.
“And if I have to get in that damn crate again, I don't plan on going anywhere.”
Jocasta rose from the couch and smoothed the fresh wrinkles in her slacks. “Listen, if you need anything, just call.”
“I need a wife who isn't a dog.”
“Hey!” Liana yelped.
“In this context,” I added.
“Still. But I'm a cute puppy. I'm not a dog. No woman wants to be called a dog.”
“Fine, I need a wife who isn't a cute mutt.”
“Ken!”
“Well,” I said, hoping that making a joke would help me relax a bit. “Until I see papers, I don't want to assume you're a purebred.”
“He's got you there, boss,” Jocasta said with a laugh.
“Fine. Laugh it up, you two.” She lay back down on the sofa and turned her snout away.
“Anyway, seriously. Anything you need, call.”
“Here, I'll walk you out. I do have some questions.”
“Sure.”
“You coming, honey?” I called out to the dog on the couch.
“I feel like a nap,” she said. “You know, since I'm just some old mutt.”
“Suit yourself,” I answered, and Jocasta and I stepped outside.
“So, what's on your mind, Ken?”
I shook my head and we walked further from the door.
“I assume she can hear as well as any other dog now.”
“Probably,” Jocasta said.
“I didn't want her to hear this.”
Jo raised her eyebrows with a smirk. “Oh?”
We made our way behind the van and I pushed her against it and kissed her deeply. She returned it with equal passion. “Are you sure, you had nothing to do with this? Not some plan to get Liana out of the way?”
She laughed. “I wish I was smart enough to think of something like that, but no, it's just a fortunate accident.”
I kissed her again.
“Does she suspect anything?”
“Absolutely. She watches me like a hawk and always manages to be close enough to eavesdrop or look at my phone if I talk or text.”
“Yeah, it's been tight at the house too. Of course, that hasn't kept her from sleeping with her tennis instructor, not that she even tries to hide it.”
“So, what are we gonna do?”
“I'm gonna have to be a good husband and take care of her, at least for now. It's either that or have her returned to the lab as some kind of guinea pig. And even with what we're going through I can't do that to her.”
“Good, and that's why I love you. You're not a vengeful bastard. And right now she needs you.”
I smiled weakly. “Serious question.”
“Okay,” Jo said, gripping my hand.
“What do I give her to eat? I mean, will she want dog food just because she physically turned into a dog, or should I give her regular meals and stuff.”
Jo laughed loudly. “That's hilarious. I'd love to see her nose down in a bowl of kibble, but no, just put the regular meals in a bowl for her.”
“Okay.”
We shared one last kiss, and I watched as the van drove off, leaving me with the talking mixed-breed dog my wife had become.
Chapter Two
“Liana,” I called out when I re-entered the house. “You still on the couch?” I took a deep breath. “Are you hungry?”
“Oh, I'm sure you'd just love to offer me a dog treat, Ken.”
“Whoa. Where the hell is that coming from?”
“You know as well as I do that I'm filing for divorce.”
“Yeah, we fought about that last night. But maybe we ought to hold off on that for now.”
She nodded.
“I take it the happy families act is over since it's just the two of us again.”
She glared at me with her brown puppy dog eyes.
Her cell phone rang, saving me from our conversation, and I clicked the button to take the call. “Hey,” I said.
It was Ronnie, the tennis instructor, and I told her.
“Can you hold it to my ear please?”
“Sure, would you like me to offer him a condom too?”
“Shut up. I'd do it myself if I could.”
Instead, I got a wicked idea since she had pissed me off.
“I'm sorry, man. She's not feeling well. Can I have her call you back later?”
He said yeah and hung up.
She looked at me as if I had grown an extra head.
“What?” I asked. “He's not gonna want to fuck you when you look like this, so it's best to keep your distance for now.”
“Shit,” she said. “I hadn't thought about that.”
“Do you really think your boy-toy would still be interested in you now that you turned into a dog? I'm sure the neighborhood mutts might like a chance with you, but I can't imagine him being remotely interested even if he knew the full story.”
“You don't have to be so mean, Ken.”
“I'm not the one flaunting an affair in your face.”
“Like I don't know you and Jocasta --”
“She's just a friend, and I never fucked her in our bed like you did with Ronnie.”
She shut up and she shut up quickly.
I gathered my keys from the coffee table.
“Where are you going?” she asked, fear in her voice. “You're not leaving me here alone, are you?”
“Why not?”
“What if I need something?”
“Like what? Walkies? A treat?”
“Fuck you, Ken.”
“It'd be the first time in a few months,” I said. “But no.”
“Please don't leave me here by myself.”
“You'll be fine. I need to pick up dinner anyway.”
Picking up dinner turned out to be picking up several more things. She had pissed me off and I was determined to show her just how much. When I returned I put a plastic bag from the pet store on the kitchen table alongside the hamburgers I'd picked up.
“Do you need me to break this into pieces?” I asked, my voice much more calm than before leaving.
She nodded. “It couldn't hurt. I could chew it up if I have to, I guess, but it'll be easier.” She took a few bites after I placed the pieces of burger and bun in her bowl. Then she stopped and looked up at me. “Look, I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy, especially after what we talked about last night, but I really do need you right now. I don't have anybody else I can turn to.”
“There's always the lab. I'm sure they'd love to run experiments on you.”
“That's the last thing I want.”
"Maybe your fuck buddy. I bet you could lean on him. I'm sure he'd love to find out his girlfriend turned into a dog."
"He breeds dogs, dumbass."
"I know. But I'm sure he'd keep you all to himself. I'm sure he wouldn't share you with his stud dogs."
She didn't respond.
"Unless you start wanting that sort of thing."
"Shit," she said so softly I could barely hear her. "It's bad. It's worse than I thought, isn't it?"
I took a seat beside her and she crouched near me and looked up at me with her snout and eyes raised.
“I'm really sorry for what I said. Can we at least be friends until I get back to normal?”
I forced a smile. “I can try.” I sighed deeply. "I'm still pretty pissed though, but I don't have to be an asshole even if you've been a cheating bitch." I locked my gaze on hers. "Quite literally now."
She stepped toward me and rested her chin on my leg. Instinctively I petted her head between her ears. She noticed but didn't move away. I guessed even as a dog she was trying to manipulate me and play on my emotions rather than being all bitchy and confrontational. I would have to be on guard.
“Anyway, if we're going make this work and keep the neighbors from learning what happened, I picked up a few things so that they don't get any ideas.”
Liana tilted her head slightly. “Picked up a few things?”
I emptied the pet shop bag onto the table.
“Lift your head,” I said, and she looked up at me, her head almost a good 60 degrees. Before she could react, I clipped a leather collar around her neck.
“A collar?!” she yelped. “I'm not your pet, Ken!”
“That's exactly what you have to pretend to be, Liana, unless you want the neighbors to know. There's no way they won't see you from time to time, and we can either tell them my wife was turned into a dog or we can pretend that you're on a trip for work and I brought home a dog to keep me company.”
She took in what sounded like a deep breath, and she wrinkled up her muzzle in thought. “I don't like it, but I guess that makes sense.”
“To that end,” I said and I held a metal tag shaped like a bone in front of her. It read:
Li-Li Barkerson
If found please return to Ken Smith
415 Trensonwier Way
“A tag?! Listen, a collar is one thing, but a tag?! You got me a fucking tag?”
“Yes. I bought you a fucking dog tag. If we want people to believe you're my dog then we have to convince them.”
“Oh no, I draw the line at a fucking dog tag. I will not have anything on me that makes me belong to you.”
“Fine,” I said.
I stood up and grabbed my phone from the counter.
“Who are you calling?”
“Well, clearly this isn't going to work, Li-Li, so I'm calling the lab. I'll have someone pick you up tomorrow since I can't take care of you.”
“That's... that's... it's fucking blackmail.”
“It's pretending, and if you can't get that through you're stupid puppy dog head, then so be it. If I'm gonna take care of you, then I'm gonna have to have a believable story for why I suddenly have a fucking mutt in my house.”
“Fuck,” she said.
I looked at my phone. “Well?”
“Shit.”
“That still doesn't answer my que--”
“Fine,” she said. “Fine. I'll wear the fucking collar and the dog tag.”
“Thank you.” I resisted the urge to say 'good girl' though I wanted to so bad. But I did go ahead and clip the tag to her collar. "And without a collar and tag, you could get picked up by animal control very, very easily.
The last 'gifts' I showed her were two leashes, one retractable one for walks and one short rope one for training and keep her close to me.
“Leashes?”
“Sure. For when we leave the house. I assume you don't want to stay inside all the time.”
“But on a leash?”
“Well, we live in the city limits and there's a leash law, Li-Li.”
“At least call me Liana.”
“Don't you want to get used to your temporary doggie name?”
“Hell no. And I don't want to go out on a leash either.”
“Well, I sure as hell ain't paying to have a fence put up so I guess you can just be trapped inside for as long as it takes to get the old you back.”
“Well...”
“No, no. It's fine. If I have to I can even put you in a crate while I go to work so you don't accidently do anything that might make the neighbors wonder about you.”
“Whoa, whoa. Just because I don't want to be walked on a leash?”
“I'm just trying to do what's best for you. And if the neighbors learn I had a dog but I never take it outside for walkies...”
“Shit,” she said weakly. “You're enjoying this way too much. You're doing this just to punish me, aren't you?”
“Of course not, Liana,” I said as sweetly as I could fake it. “I just want to get through this without having anybody else suspect there's anything wrong with you.”
She walked into the foyer and in a few minutes, she returned.
“Fine. Once a day.”
“Twice. Mornings and afternoons.”
“Fine. Twice. But you'll have to either hold it during the day or use a litterbox like a cat."
"Fuck."
"So, I'll take you twice as a matter of course, but you'll have to let me know if you need to go more often than that. You can tell me when we're alone, but if I have company over, you'll have to bark."
"Fuck," she said again.
I patted her head.
She leaned into the motion for a moment and then jerked away.
“But none of that. I can pretend to be your pet dog outside, but I'm not gonna be your pet dog inside when we're alone.”
“What? You didn't like that? I was under the impression that felt good.”
“That's beside the point. You don't need to pet me, that's all.”
"Fine with me, but when we're in public, nothing's off the table. Whatever it takes to make sure we sell the pretense that you're just my pet dog. Are we clear?"
She grunted with an annoyed huff. "Fine."
"The biggest issue is going to be making sure you remember not to speak in public, not unless you bark or whimper. You've got to sell this, Li-Li."
"Fucking Li-Li," she whispered.
"Would you rather me call you 'good dog?'"
"I'll bite the shit out of you if you do."
I couldn't help but laugh. I went to the foyer and returned with another bag from the pet store.
"What's in there?" she asked.
I reached inside and pulled out a black rubber muzzle. I squatted and shoved it into her face.
"And if you do, you'll find yourself wearing this, little puppy."
"Shit," she said weakly.
"Game, set, and match," I said as I petted her head again.
I let her rest in the living room in front of the TV for most of the day, but when five o'clock rolled around I went to the kitchen, retrieved the non-retractable leash, and returned to the living room.
"Okay, Li-Li," I said in an energetic sing-song. "Time for walkies."
She looked up from the floor, then lay her head back down.
"Twice a day, we agreed."
"I don't have to go."
"Well, you're going anyway. It's better to get used to the habit. Besides, if you pee or poop on my carpet or floor, you're gonna find your hairy, four-legged ass in a crate all day and all night."
She stood up slowly, defeated.
"That's better. Be a good dog, Li-Li."
"Don't call me good dog."
"Okay then, Little Miss Barkerson, let's go out so you can do your business."
Chapter Three
Li-Li didn't like it all when she had to be outside for walkies. She especially hated it though when I refused to let her in until she went both "poops" and "pee-pees" outside in the front yard where anyone outside could see her. As cute as her brown, consistently sad and wet puppy-dog eyes were, I could read the seething and fuming and glaring behind them as she stared at me.
In the end, though, she did as I commanded.
Even so, I didn't take her back inside immediately.
"Time to announce your presence to the neighborhood, Li-Li," I said and tugged on her leash to pull her toward the sidewalk.
She resisted and plopped her furry ass down in the grass and barked.
"Come on, be a good girl, time for walkies, girl."
She didn't move.
I walked to her and squatted so I could get close enough to whisper.
"I could always call the lab. Would you prefer living in a sterile, clinical cage to being a free-range pooch, sweetie?"
"Fine," she whispered. "Whatever.But you don't have to enjoy it so fucking much, Ken."
"I'll enjoy this as much as I want to, Li-Li. I'll help you, and I'll keep you safe, but you surely can't deny me a little payback after what you did to me."
She didn't speak again, only stood up and led me to the sidewalk. She looked back before choosing left or right.
"This way," I said, tugging the leash to the left. "Let's go meet the neighbors and show you off. I bet they'll just love a pretty little pooch like."
And I was right. They did love her. Mr. Mackley a few houses down got down and petted her vigorously, almost crying since his own dog had died a few months ago from some form of mouth cancer. He only stopped long enough to tell me to hang on and then disappeared into his house and came back out with a crunchy bone-shaped treat.
Li-Li gazed back at me, eyes wide. I knew she didn't want to lower herself to eat a dog treat, but I didn't give her an inch.
"Tell Mr. Mackley thank you for the treat, girl."
She barked softly.
"She's such a beautiful bitch," the older man said.
"Isn't she though?" Then I returned my attention to Li-Li. "It's okay. Go ahead and eat your treat. I'll let you this time since we're saying hello to the neighbors. But don't think I'll always let you ruin your dinner."
She whined a bit at me.
"It's okay, girl. You go ahead."
While Mackley wasn't looking, I gave her my sternest glare, a warning really. Obey or face the music when we got back home.
She whined again and took the treat in her mouth. After chewing it thoroughly she swallowed and didn't seem to react negatively. Maybe she was learning that her new doggie taste buds were more receptive to the treats than her human mind wanted to believe.
"Well," Mackley said, "don't be a stranger, Li-Li. I still have lots of treats left over from what we bought for Princess."
I thanked him and then we resumed our walk.
Martha Benson and her wife, Lucy said hello and of course had to come over and ask me all about my new dog. Where did I get her? What did Lianna think about her? That sort of thing.
I let them know that Lianna was actually going out of town to stay with her mom for a month, and that was one of the reasons I got the dog, to have to company and avoid being lonely in the house all by myself.
After the Bensons, we were able to skip a few houses until the Cosgrove kids ran across the street yelling "Puppy!" at a breakneck speed. Right behind them was their male Irish Setter, Rusty, and I couldn't help but laugh as he sniffed all over poor Li-Li. The terrified girl cowered against my knees but I didn't intervene as I knew what a friendly dog Rusty was, and since he had been fixed years ago, he would be a both to her beyond just saying hello in dog, no matter how uncomfortable that made Li-Li feel.
"Ah," I said. "I think Rusty found a friend."
Li-Li jerked her face toward me, eyes wide and wet, not a trace of white in the sockets.
We moved on, but I promised the kids they could come over and play -- and to bring Rusty so he could get to know Li-Li better -- anytime they wanted.
Li-Li barked, but she stayed close to me for the remainder of the walk, probably mortified at what other humiliations she might have to face.
When we finally returned home, I made her walk the yard again to try to do pee-pees once more before going in, especially after all that excitement I told her.
She did, squatting in the yard against the one fully grown tree in the front yard.
When she was done, she darted inside as soon as I opened the door.
"Someone was a very, very good girl, yes, she was," I said in the sweetest coochie-coo voice I could muster.
"What the fuck was that?" she yelled.
"Oh, I see our good girl has changed her tune."
"Fuck you, Ken. Shit. I can only put up with so much."
I smiled.
"And do you think they suspect anything now or do they just believe you're a dog like any other dog?"
She didn't speak for several moments.
"Well?" I pressed.
Still nothing. Instead, she walked angrily over to the corner of the living room and then jumped up on the sofa.
"I don't think so," I said. "Only sweet doggies get to rest on the sofa, not bitches who snap at their owners."
"Owners?!" she said and emphasized the disgust in the word with a growl. "I'll be damned if I'll let you be my owner, asshole."
I didn't say a thing. I just walked to the kitchen, grabbed a copy of yesterday's newspaper, and rolled it up. Then I returned to the living room and smacked the shit out of her ass. "Down!" I said firmly. "Bad dog. Down!"
She got her ass down quickly.
I pointed to the corner of the living room, a patch of hardwood floor with a small circular carpet that lay in front of a wicker chair.
She got the point, and she lowered her head and tail and made her way to the little rug and curled up, both her feelings and her ass hurting.
"You will be a good girl, Li-Li!" I scolded.
"I'm not your fucking dog. I'm your wife."
"No, you're a cheating whore. And don't you fucking dare get on that couch again unless I allow you to. Do you understand me, dog?"
"Yeah. I fucking understand you."
"Uh-uh. You answer me like a fucking dog."
"I said yeah, I understand you. What do you want me to say?"
"Dogs bark."
"Oh, hell no."
I raised the rolled-up paper again.
"Hell no. And your ass better not beat me again. You hear me."
"No?" I smiled angrily. "Fine."
I pulled my phone from my back pocket and dialed Jocasta.
"Hey, Ken," she said. "How's Lianna doing?"
"I don't know if this is gonna work out. Are you sure she won't be better off at the lab where you guys can keep an eye on her?"
"Oh?"
Li-Li whined.
"Yeah. I'm afraid she's gonna give herself away here. She's still too human to remember to act like a dog. Somebody's gonna figure it out."
"Oh?" Jocasta said again.
Before I realized it, Li-Li had come to stand beside me and then sat at my feet. She looked up at me a barked softly.
"What's that, Li-Li?"
"Oh god, you named her Li-Li?" Jocasta asked with a laugh. "That's too cute. I bet she hates that."
"Hang on," I said, and gave the dog at my feet my full attention. "Is this an apology? I asked. "Are you telling me you understand how things need to be around here to make this work?"
Without breaking eye contact, Li-Li barked twice, loudly.
"So you don't want to go to the lab?"
"Oh, I get it," Jocasta said quietly.
Two more barks.
"Don't forget though, this is strike one. Two more and you can stay in a pen at the lab. Do you understand, Li-Li?"
Two more barks.
"Good girl," I said. Then I motioned with my head for her to go lie down again -- or at the very least get out of my personal space.
"That's smart. Using her fear of the lab against her to keep her in line. But don't be too mean. She's still human inside that furry little body."
"That's the problem."
"Well, I think I can help with that a little bit. Are you going to be up for a while?"
"Sure."
"Cool. I'll come over with a surprise."
Thirty minutes later both Li-Li and I met Jocasta at the door. She had changed from her work clothes to a pair of shorts and a yellow T-shirt with flowers on it and some canvas flats. I somehow resisted the urge to kiss her at the door. She held a white plastic bag at her side.
"Sorry it took so long," she said. "I had to stop by a friend's house. She's a vet."
She walked past me and we all went to the couch and sat down. Jocasta and I sat together while Li-Li had learned her lesson and said obediently on the floor between us.
"What's that?" the human voice asked with her furry dog snout.
Jocasta smiled as she pulled a bottle of liquid medicine from the bag. "This is something that's going to help you lay low so you don't accidentally blow your cover. It seems pretty clear you'll do anything to avoid us booking you a pen at the lab while we study what happened to you."
Li-Li nodded vigorously. "You can say that again."
"Yes, I can, but you don't need to."
"What?" Li-Li and I asked together.
"This is a strong paralytic for muscles. This should be all that's needed to shut down any human vocalizations and limit your wife to more animalistic noises like grunts and whines. With a little effort, you'll still be able to bark though, I think."
"Paralytic?" I asked.
"No way. Never," Li-Li said.
"I thought you'd feel that way, so I also brought this."
As she spoke she pulled out a second bottle.
"What's that one?" I asked.
Li-Li was already backing away, shaking her head.
"This one is a little something to help her rest. A muscle relaxant. One shot of this and the sweet girl will be out like a light for a few hours."
I nodded.
"Don't worry though, Lianna. The other shot only lasts a few days, a week at the most. So depending on how long it takes to figure out how to change you back, I'll have to come back -- or Ken can bring you to the lab or my house -- to renew the dosage. It's just to help you so you don't accidentally speak in English when you shouldn't. Can you imagine the mess that would create? How the hell would we explain the existence of a talking dog? It wouldn't just be us needing to study you then. Can you imagine how many other companies would want to get their hands on you?"
Jocasta filled one of the syringes with the muscle relaxant. Then she stood up and walked to Li-Li, who found herself back against the chair in the opposite corner with nowhere to escape.
"You'll feel a little prick but that's it, sweetie," said Jocasta, as if she were merely talking to any dog in any vet's office.
She bunched up an inch of flesh and injected the medicine into Li-Li's shoulder. Then she rejoined me on the couch.
"That should take full effect in about ten minutes. We can let her roam around until then."
I flipped on the TV. Li-Li sauntered groggily into the foyer to be as far away from us as possible. She would have gone into the bedroom, but I had closed it earlier in the day so she wouldn't have an accident in there.
We avoided sitting too close or looking like lovers despite our feelings for each other. We had been much more discreet than Lianna and Ronnie.
Li-Li was fighting the medicine so it took almost fifteen minutes before she passed out in the foyer and dropped onto her side on the floor.
"See," Jocasta said. "Easy peasy."
I laughed, and then I picked up the dog and returned her to the living room.
Jocasta filled the second syringe and soon injected it into the sleeping pooch's neck. Li-Li grunted as the shot went in, but went right back to sleep, her side rising and falling in a gentle rhythm.
"How long is she going to be out?" I asked.
"At least two hours," Jocasta answered.
"That gives us just enough time."
"So it does," she said.
She leaned in and kissed me.
I took her hand and led her to the bedroom, the one where Lianna and Ronnie had cheated, the one where I planned to make love to the woman I knew loved me far more than the cheating whore who had finally become the bitch I knew she truly was who lay on the floor.
I shut the door and pulled off my shirt.
Chapter Four
Li-Li was whining and scratching at the bedroom door while the sun was still down, waking me. In my groggy sleepiness, I half waited for her to call out to me, but somewhere in my drowsy thoughts was the memory of the shots that had restricted her vocal cords. That's right, I mused.
I rolled over and check the time. Only 5:45 AM.
"It's too early," I called out. "Go back to sleep."
But the whining and scratching continued.
"Fuck," I said, rising from the bed.
When I opened the door, Li-Li bounced at my feet, rapidly grunting and whining. Every few seconds she managed a weak sort of bark, not quite like a typical dog bark but close enough to fool anyone.
"I guess the shot worked, huh, girl?" I asked.
She bounced and barked again.
"Good."
She looked up at me and then turned toward the hallway. When she took a few steps in that direction, she stopped again and turned to see if I was following her.
"What?"
She walked back to me, whined, then half-trotted to the hallway again.
"What?"
She barked a little louder, but it still sounded as if she was recovering from some sort of throat surgery, forced and filled with coughing sounds.
"Oh?" I said, finally getting it. "You need to go outside."
Two more of her unique barks.
"Hang on."
I slipped on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, then my flip-flops. I walked to the kitchen to get her retractable leash where I'd left it hanging on a plastic hook near the cabinets. She followed me every step.
"I have to admit I like you a lot better this way. Now we might actually get through this without anybody figuring out what happened."
When we reached the foyer, I knelt with the clasp opened. Li-Li walked over to me and sat so I could fasten it to her collar. It snapped shut with a sharp click. I stood up and opened the door, and Li-Li shot out before me, pulling the retractable leash to its limit before it stopped her.
She gazed back at me and I stepped out and took a seat on the front steps. She used the additional few feet of distance that gave her to move farther away. As I watched, she squatted and peed for almost a full minute before standing up again.
"Go ahead and try to poop too, girl," I said.
She looked at me, then looked at the ground, then away. But in the end, she did as I told her, and she found a spot to squat again and do her number two.
"What a good girl," I said, quickly patting her head as she returned to me. She went up the steps and waited at the front door, which I had closed behind me so the cold, wet morning air wouldn't seep into the house.
"Now isn't this much better, Li-Li?"
She stared at me, but didn't respond verbally.
"That's fine too. I know you miss being able to talk, but even you have to admit we just couldn't risk it. It may seem like a punishment, but I'm only letting Jocasta do that because it will help protect you and keep you out of the lab. I hope you understand."
She whined softly, then turned her attention to the door, locking her eyes on the doorknob.
"Yeah, okay, girl."
We went inside and I followed her to the living room, but when she lay down and called her to come to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and she watched, no doubt curious about what I was doing. I slid out the meat drawer and grabbed a piece of roast beef from some leftovers and held it out to her.
"You were such a good girl doing your business and letting me know you had to go that you deserve a treat." I laughed, remembering Mr. Mackley feeding her a dry dog treat. "Here," I said, and she sniffed the strip of meat. "I'm sure you'll like this better than the dog biscuit Mackley gave you yesterday."
She gave me one of her weak barks.
"Good girls get treats. Bad girls get swats. Understand?"
Another bark.
"Good girl."
As she chewed I scratched her fluffy ears the whole time. When she swallowed, I motioned for her to follow me, but instead of leaving her to sleep on the floor in the living room, and had her follow me all the way to the bedroom.
I patted the edge of the bed.
She looked up as if to ask me if that was okay.
"It's fine, sweetie. When you're a good dog, you get rewards. Treats. Access to the bed and the couch. That sort of thing. So come on up."
She leaped onto the bed and lay down at the foot on what had been her side.
I stripped down to my boxers and crawled into my side and covered up. I patted the empty spot beside me.
Li-Li whined and looked at me with what I could only assume was confusion.
"Daddy wants cuddles, Li-Li. Come on. I'm cold after going outside."
She only stared for another few moments.
"Come on. Be a good girl."
I watched the defeat settle into her eyes, and she half-crawled toward the head of the bed to join me. When she lay down in the spot that had been Lianna's sleeping area, I reached around to rest my hand on her warm, soft, furry belly and I pulled her against my tummy and chest.
"There. That's better. Still an hour or so before I have to get up."
Several hours later when I woke up, Li-Li had moved to the foot of the bed and was sleeping. A quiet whistle came from her nose every few seconds, and I couldn't help but smile. She may have been a handful both as a wife and as a talking dog, but as a regular ol' dog, she was actually kind of cute, almost sweet.
I sat up and leaned over far enough to give her exposed belly a good scratch. She didn't wake up, but her back leg did start to shake a little. I laughed and kept scratching to see how fast I could make her leg move.
But she started to stir, whining softly and rolling onto her back to expose more of her belly. I took the invitation and rubbed the soft fur there until she woke up enough to realize what she was doing and she stopped and growled, then rolled onto all fours and leaped into the floor.
"And good morning to you too, Li-Li," I said.
She turned away, no doubt embarrassed by the way she had welcomed the attention -- just like any other dog might have. I wanted to press the point, to use it to humiliate her a bit, but I figured the less I brought it up, the more I could get away with later, so I just smiled and asked her if she needed to go outside again.
She shook her head, proving that she was still human inside that furry body, but instead of speaking, she just barked softly.
"Are you sure, girl?"
Another bark. Another head shake.
"Okay. I'm going to trust you since you already went out this morning, but you be sure and let me know, okay?"
This time she nodded and gave another quiet bark.
"Good girl," I said.
One more bark, and if such a thing could convey annoyance, I was sure that one did. She did not like it at all when I called her 'good girl.'
"How 'bout some breakfast then?"
Another nod.
"I was thinking eggs if you can wait that long. But if you can't, I think I have some sausage links I could heat up in the microwave."
She didn't respond other than to walk beside me from the bedroom to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and pointed to the eggs and then the box of sausage links.
"Well?"
Using her snout, she pointed to the sausage, then barked and pointed to the eggs.
"Both?" I asked.
Two more barks.
"We need to figure out a system, sweet girl, so I can understand you better now that you can't speak English anymore. How 'bout two barks for yes and three for no? That sound okay with you?"
Bark. Bark.
"I assume you understand and were answering yes."
Bark. Bark.
Then, just to provide additional proof... "Are you a bad dog?"
Bark. Bark. Bark.
"Then you must be a good dog."
Bark. Bark. Bark.
I laughed. "Well, maybe not yet. But you will be, darling. I'm sure of that."
I grabbed the eggs and the box of sausage links and took them to the counter, careful to shut the refrigerator door behind me. I took out 4 links and put them on a paper plate in the microwave. I entered 40 seconds and waited for the appliance to beep a finished job well done. Then I took out the plate and cut the links into four pieces each with a fork and set the plate on the floor.
"Be careful, Li-Li. That's still hot."
She sniffed, then touched a piece with her tongue and then waited for it to cool down. While she waited, I refilled her water bowl.
I couldn't resist patting her on the head as I passed by her on the way to cook the eggs. She watched as I cracked the six shells and whisked the yolks and whites together with salt and pepper and a little bit of skim milk before pouring the gloop into the frying pan over medium heat.
As the eggs cooked, I split my time between watching her eat the cooling sausage and keeping an eye on the eggs as they reached the right consistency and doneness -- just a little brown at the edges.
Once the eggs were done, I scooped half of them into her empty food bowl with my fork and then the rest into a fresh paper plate for me. Realizing I had forgotten to make coffee, I stuck a K-Cup into the machine and filled it with water. By the time the coffee had stopped pouring, her eggs were gone along with any evidence of the sausage that had been on her plate.
I smirked.
"I guess you're hungry," I said. "Are you full enough, or do you want me something else?"
She looked up at me without responding.
"Sorry," I added. "Let me rephrase that as a yes or no question."
Her eyes sort of smiled at my words.
"Let's see. Are you full?"
Three barks.
"Do you want something else?"
Two barks.
"Well, hold on, and let me eat first, please."
Bark. Bark.
"Thanks."
I sat down and ate at my regular, leisurely pace, not hurrying since she had already had enough to alleviate most of her hunger. She lay down on the linoleum and kept her head down, but her eyes remained up watching me and waiting for me to finish.
When I did, instead of refilling her bowl with food, I tossed my plate in the trash can, then got hers from the floor and did the same with it, and then I refilled my coffee. After that, I returned to the fridge to find her something else to eat. There weren't a whole lot of leftovers but I did find a plastic bowl with instant macaroni so I pulled that out and also took out some hot dogs. I cut on the weiners and put them in the bowl, then stuck it in the microwave for about a minute. Then I dumped the contents into her metal dog bowl.
"Sorry, girl," I said. "We're on slim pickin's here. I'll pick up something for you when I go out today.
She looked up at me before taking her first bite.
"I need to pick up some stuff, Li-Li. I can't stay home with you 24 hours a day."
Her shoulders slumped as much as her canine physique would allow and she pushed her snout into the bowl to eat the hot dog mac and cheese. She must have liked it, because she didn't stop munching until the bowl was half finished.
"Listen," I'm going to get a shower. "Will you be okay for a few minutes?"
She barked twice.
"Good."
I scratched her back.
"Would you like to get on the couch?"
Two more barks.
"Are you going to be an obedient dog? Will Li-Li be a good girl?"
She whined for a moment but eventually barked twice. Weakly, not with any real energy or passion.
"Good girl," I said and patted her on her head. "Then go ahead. You've earned it this morning. Good puppies get rewards. Bad puppies get punishments. Understand?"
Two more weak barks.
I accepted that as understanding and acceptance. It would have to do for now.
I left her in the kitchen and went to the master bath for a shower. I was washing my hair when I rinsed and saw her lying on the tile floor a few from the shower. She wasn't facing me, but she had come to the bathroom regardless. I wasn't sure if she didn't like being left alone in her current state or was trying to manipulate me with a "good dog" act, but I couldn't help but grin. It was cute.
When I finished and opened the shower door, she stepped inside and started to lap up water from the floor as it drained, soap and all.
"Are you thirsty?"
Two barks.
"Are you out of water? I thought I checked it."
She barked twice, then stopped. Then she barked thrice more.
"I guess I forgot. Sorry, Li-Li."
She stopped lapping up water long enough to give me those eyes that reminded me how much she hated it when I called her by the name on her tag. Honestly, I didn't care. As far as I was concerned, she was Li-Li now, particularly since she couldn't speak like a person anymore, and that meant she was almost 100 percent my pet pooch, whether she liked it or not.
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